Friday, September 30, 2011

What do you seek?

I am seeking to find peace and some level of happiness in my life of chaos and pain! To find the real me again, sometimes I feel like I have lost myself somewhere along the way. I have been donned "Superwoman", and have almost always come through for whatever someone needed, wanted, etc. I am a giver and my life has been centered around that more than I have realized! I love giving--but have found myself to be pretty empty-because I've not given to myself! Why is is it that we do that to ourselves? We as wives, mothers, sisters, friends, etc., we yearn for the other people in our lives to never be in want and we strive to fulfill all of their needs that we can and in the process there are seldom any leftovers for us, and the people we knowingly or unknowingly expect to keep our "given" cups full, either aren't givers or don't have it to give, and at times we end up either angry, disappointed, or hurt and feel that person has let us down. But have they? Maybe, maybe not, what if they have no clue as to what you need-are they a mind-reader-do we expect others to meet our needs more than we expect God to meet our needs? I think so-or at least at times, we want to think or believe that the people we love/that love us the most will always be there for us and have most of life's answers. But yet we don't stop and think that no one is perfect-we are mere humans and we will definitely not find what we are seeking if we are searching in the wrong places. Is this different with different personality types or do we all have this expectation? Do I seek for more than is possible to have/attain?Where does the contentment come in-the true satisfied contentment? Does it only come from being willing to settle for less--or when we realize that less is what makes us content? The world has so much to offer, so many things to have, places to go, sites to see, and so do we automatically rob ourselves when we look at all the missed opportunities or the things that we'll never be able to check off the list and think we've missed out?

I turned 50 this year and it hasn't been too long since I learned what a "bucket list" really was, I'd heard people talk about it, but until asked about mine I never gave it much thought. Then I started thinking--but very quickly came to realize I didn't want to think about it, because my immediate list would have very few things that would ever get checked off (because of my health)! I hesitated whether continue with my immediate train of thought, but humor me okay? So, not wanting to sound like Poor Pitiful Pearl, I will never feel the Hawaiian sand between my toes, see a real live kangaroo in Australia, go snow boarding with my family in Colorado, take a cruise "anywhere", work until retirement, or babysit/run and play with my grand-kids! Most of life's easiest tasks-things that don't qualify for the bucket list-would be on my bucket list! Things like shop/walk the mall unassisted, ride a bicycle, go anywhere and not have to be concerned with perfumes, aromas, etc., for concern of getting sick, just to name a few. So what do I seek--healing of my heart over the sadness, grief of the simple things in life that I've lost, I have so much life in me, yet everyday is a struggle of its own to try to do the things I enjoy. If you have your health--you've got about everything! Is that on your bucket list? Or, are you more concerned with what satisfies the mind or others? People have no idea of the struggles people with ailments go through on a daily basis, don't get me wrong- I WANT others to enjoy life--accomplish the things on their bucket list, but don't forget to take care of yourself or someone else along the way! I am reminded that God wants us to seek Him, and I know for myself, it is because of the ailments that I seek Him as I do. I also know that ALL things are possible with Him, and that with His help I WILL find what I seek if I seek it with all my heart!